daily dose

the new phase of my blogging is just for me.  I guess I've always done it for me and let you have a peek.  but specifically this time, I want a place to write MY thoughts.  I've tried paper journaling and its not for me.  I tried to find a journaling app and found that unless you what to journal toward a specific goal or want to spend money, the selection process is not as easy as just yanking the old blog out of storage to your vehicle for writing.

so for me, here it goes.

I'm having a pretty good day so far...though it's not lunch time yet.

I ate a mostly healthy breakfast of a fried country egg (country means local, not grocery store origination) with some green onions and a cup of my beloved coffee.

so far, I've been pretty productive in the office.  I'm looking forward to my afternoon with people I like (aka - piano lessons).  all in all, a good day.

its been a while, baby

it's been a while, baby.
within a month, it'll be a full 5 years since I logged in a typed anything.
much as changed in the last 5 years.  I'm not sure I can even remember all the changes.

but I feel like I need to write again.
this is my catharsis and you're welcome to come along for the ride.

i declare it so!

it strikes me how some people are self-appointed queen or king.  or at least with their words, they act as such.
i'm not really sure where i'm going with this train of thought, but this week has really brought to my attention the way that some people's words set the tone of the room instead of reflect the tone of the room.
i have no doubt...well, not much doubt...that their words reflect their reading of the situation.  however, i'm not convinced that anyone else feels the same way until they open their mouth, speak their mind and it all breaks loose.

• i've seen it in meetings where we're having cordial and engaging conversation.  but then someone jumps in unsolicited (or even just makes an off-handed comment), and the whole things turns south.  
• i've seen it with parents (who really do have much on their minds) who snap at their children or spouse, initiating a downward spiral of compounded stress.
• i've seen it in retail employees that let personal issues interfere with public professionalism, sparking a firestorm of bad business, irate customers and shoddy service.

it leads me to three points:

• first, we've got to get ourselves in check.  i am a firm believer in authenticity and transparency (even in a retail situation), but if you're words, actions, motives, etc. are poisoning a situation you MUST get yourself in check.  deal with things in a timely, appropriate manner.  do it for your own sake as well as those that have their own baggage to deal with and frankly, don't need you to add to their pile.  i'm not trying to preach hatred nor lack of sympathy; in fact, i empathize with you to the best of my abilities.  but we need to be aware of personal responsibility (how many religious, social and/or political issues would disappear with an increased sense of personal responsibility?).  and not just aware, but active!
• secondly, as i mentioned above, i want to help you through it.  i want to build you up, possibly by a release valve prior to causing damage with a blown top.  you are not alone.  you have friends, family...and me, wherever i fall between those two groups.  you've got the Lord as well.  personal responsibility does not mean solo action, per se.  get the help you need...and i'm available to you.
• thirdly, my personal responsibility question:  am i working to the fullest to not only avoid my needs spoiling a situation, but to do the opposite and build up a situation by the words i speak and the actions i perform?  if one person can bring down a room, then certainly i should be able to raise up a room!  at very least, i can lift a group in prayer.  and then as the Holy Spirit of God works through me, i can be prompted to speak intuitively and increase the potential of those present.  this is the very least i can do.

i write today cathartically.  my blog can be my therapy, my sounding board, my release valve.  i'm not sure that what i wrote is actually what i feel about it all.  i'm sorting through it and hope to fully understand.

sausage fest

i've decided that instead of a pity party, today i'm going to have a sausage fest--because waiting is the wurst!

A-words

today, i realize that i am "available" for whatever God brings my way.

therefore i will keep my eyes toward the end, but keep my heart in the moment.

i will avoid:

• anger
• attitude
• admiration of self
• arrogance
• audacity

i will choose:

• amore!
• allowance for grace
• all things Philippians 4:8
• "and" instead of "or"
• absolution

Lord, you hold us in Your hand.  we ask for clear pathways, but rest in Your guidance.  we keep our eyes toward the future, but live in this moment for here is the place where You shape us, mold us, change us and build us.  may we ever be more like You.

what's in a name?

shakespeare asked it first.  what's in a name?

and as it turns out, quite a bit.

think of all the labels we carry daily.  father.  mother.  worker.  musician.  friend.  lover.  child of the one true king (yup, love that song).  caregiver.  cook.  yada yada, you get it.

i think of the old testament practice to assign names with deeper meaning.  caleb = dog.  (who names their kid dog?)  so many cultures have done that.  and while we make fun of starmoonchild from the 70s, its not a shameful practice.  in fact, its kinda cool to hear name stories.  where did your name come from?  were you named after a famous person?  were you named after great-grandmother?  do you have a bible name?  do you and all your siblings start with the same letter?

here's the story of our boys' names.

our current youngest, Emmaus:  Emmaus is the name of a town mentioned in the bible only in one story.  but it's a post-resurrection story!  and there is one translation that begins, "there were two on a journey to Emmaus..."  that's us!  our entire lives have been journeying toward Emmaus.  we certainly haven't stopped there, but our life lines aligned and we are blessed.
and his birth mom's name is Emma...which is the first four letters of his name.
our oldest son, Israel:  also a bible name, but this time, a person.  and there is so much more good stuff about the life of (biblical) Israel than we admire and desire to see characteristically in our son (and some things to avoid, let's be honest).
and his birth mom's name is Lisa...four letters in his name as well.

so now that we consider another adoption, names are floating through our head.  we're screwed if we get a birthmother named Sheneequa!  but no matter how it all works out, she'll have our surname because she will be a part of family.

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

these are the questions i'm asking myself this week in regards to the zig zag in my pathway.

• is it true?  sometimes it seems like it can't be true, but we know the Father is faithful and will not deceive us with false blessings.
• is it noble?  that's a hard concept that is somewhat foreign to us today.  we don't often think of nobility without picturing a monarch (which is not the case here).  in this case, we are referring to "something of high moral character".  i suppose that to be true and applicable, though i don't want to elevate.  too often in our attempt to draw positive attention to acts of goodwill and Biblical obedience, we cross the line into pride or lack of humility.  i don't want attention for this because of morality.  i simply want to obey.  If or when i heard "well done, good and faithful servant..." then my reward will be complete.  i confess that i'm struggling a lot with them one right now.
• is it right?  yes! yes! yes!
• is it pure?  as with my struggle with nobility, i struggle to keep my thoughts of this pure.  and that, i don't mean in a sexualized manner, but rather to keep my thoughts focused on the Father and His role in this carefully orchestrated endeavor.  if ever i switch to thinking about me, i become impure in my motives and actions.  let me keep my perspective at all times.
• is it lovely?  ...and now i have that stevie wonder song in my head!
• is it admirable?  in this situation, of which i hope to speak more openly very soon, those that i admire are not me, but rather those that are sacrificing so greatly for so many.  star trek taught us that sometimes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.  then they taught us that sometimes the needs of the few or the one outweigh the need of the many.  i'm not sure which is which in this scenario, but i see some people sacrificing self for the needs of others.  i admire that and strive to do the same.
• is it excellent or praiseworthy?  i'm not sure of how a proper hermeneutic would render this phrase of the passage, but i feel that these terms are the sum of the previous questions.  if this situation (or any one for that matter) meets the criteria, then yes, it is excellent and praiseworthy.  Lord, that i would always live an excellent life that shows You to be worthy of praise.

emotional toe touches

it's not so much that i mind toe touches as a form of exercise, but the up-down-up-down-up-down-up-down (yes, sometimes i'm so tired that by the end i just stay down) is annoying.
and so this week, we found our emotional being to be doing toe touches:  up-down-up-down...you get the picture.

...plus, i can't talk about it all just yet...which really stinks because that'd be a great release.

so what can i type here thats revealing without being too revealing?

well, let me deal with the upper story here instead of the lower.  and in case you're unfamiliar with the concept of upper and lower story, take a quick lesson from the Hobbit.  a great movie and an even greater book.  in it, as with much great literature, there are lower stories.  you could call these "episodes".

• there's that one part where Bilbo goes...
• remember when they're all stuck...
• and then, just before the end, when there's that...

each of these are like little stories on their own.  and yet they actually point to the greater story (the one ring to rule them all).

so it is with us:  this particular thing that's been so up-down-up-down is really just a lower story in our lives.  but it's causing us to see an upper story, a theme running throughout.  because of these pericope of life, we are seeing God more clearly.

• we are seeing the prayers are multitudes of saints on our behalf being recognized in a single event.  some prayers that are 25+ years old
• we are seeing God as faithful, patient and kind--attributes we crave and will need in abundance in the coming weeks.
• we are seeing opportunity to share our faith in a remarkable way.
• we are seeing human beings, sacrificing greatly for the better good, which restores some of our faith in God's hand working through the lives of those who love him.

soon this story will have a name and a face.  until then, Lord, we rest in Your promises and ask for your peace & patience to come over us all.

this resounded with my heart

There are 10 things every birthmother thinks about, wishes for, and hopes for when placing their child for adoption. If you are in an open adoption, you may have heard some already, if not, they are important to know. They are:

1. I did not place my child because she was “unwanted.” I wanted her so much that I continued a pregnancy filled with unanswered questions.
2. I chose adoption because I loved my child. This parental love allowed me to put his needs before my own when making my choice.
3. This choice affected more than just me. She has a Grandmother, a Grandfather, and Aunts and Uncles who love her as well, and she will be missed.
4. I wish for the day I can look into my child’s eyes and tell him I love him one more time.
5. I hope that you will teach my child about her beginnings – about where she was born and who I am.
6. I hope you will teach respect to my child by showing respect for me in your discussions.
7. I wish I could be there to answer my child’s questions about adoption, but I trust you to answer them truthfully as best you can.
8. I will never stop thinking about my child. She will always be a part of who I am.
9. I would never try to disrupt my child’s new family with you. I put too much emotion and suffering into making this choice to allow anything to disrupt it – including me.
10. In my eyes, you will always be my child’s Mom and Dad. And that thought brings me happiness.

i still can't...

...i still can't wrap my head around it.  how can something like this (that usually takes 9 months) come about in about 10 days?
...i still can't believe the way my wife and children (or me for that matter) can process through this all.
...i still can't understand how the God of the universe works things for our good, and yet when i see Him do it, i know it can only be Him.
...i still can't believe how much love it all requires
...i still can't (read yesterday's post) let it go!

wow, wow, wow...

let it go

i've heard that the popular song "let it go" from the movie "frozen" is the most covered song ever on youtube.  and i'd believe it.  i can't believe how many people have recorded a video of their rendition and posted it for all the world to see (and critique).  even my own wife & children will belt that one out when it comes on in the car...or, unfortunately...a restaurant!
lyrically, the song isn't, IMHO, the most God-honoring thing, though i don't think it's bad.
but today it strikes me as a concept i need to embrace:  letting it go.

• i have to let go of myself so that the Spirit can manifest in me
• i have to let go of my selfish desires for the sake of those around me
• i have to let go of my dreams in order to have them replaced with bigger and better God-sized dreams.
• i have to let go.  period.

last week i had to let go of something very precious to me.  and while it was something tangible and i let it go for something better (though significantly less tangible), it hurt.  a whole freakin' lot!  it was sort of like the nail in the coffin on a dream.  and that, not just any dream, but a deeply-burning-in-my-soul kind of dream.  it was more along the lines of one of those "when God closes a door, He opens a window", window-wide open dreams.  

i felt like my window got closed.  forever.  boarded up, bricked over and sealed with foam.

but yesterday revealed once again that God is faithful and He's in control.  my perspective now is that not so much that the window was closed as much as it was removed from that house and put into a new and better house to let in a better, fresher breeze and life and love and joy.

of course, i can't tell you all about it.  that's the glory and agony of blogging.

but for now, i am content to be reminded that when i let go, God takes the reins.  and oh, what a ride it'll be.

Lord, let me be faithful even in this time of uncertainty.  hope springs eternal!

ministry

"With praise and thanksgiving they sang to the Lord:  'He is good; his love to Israel endures forever.'  And all the people gave a great shout of praise to the Lord, because the foundation of the house of the Lord was laid.  But many of the older priests and levites and family heads, who had seen the former temple, wept aloud when they saw the foundation of the temple being laid, while many others shouted for joy.  No one could distinguish the sound of the shouts of joy from the sound of weeping, because the people made so much noise.  And the sound was heard far away."  Ezra 3:11-13

sometimes ministry feels like this dichotomy.

it's been a long time since i've posted here.  too long?  maybe, maybe not.  i've always used this forum to share my thoughts.  its not that i haven't been having thoughts, but for various reasons, i've edited myself down to the point of silence in cyberworld and an earful to God.
however, this quote struck me as i was reading today.  i have a particular person or two that i'd like to share it with.  maybe i will, maybe i won't.  blogging is sort of passive-agressive and maybe they'll see it and hear it and absorb it and...maybe.

anyway, this is from an article entitled 'the singing pastor' by Graham Kendrick in the may 2012 edition of 'worship leader magazine'.

we need to learn how to use an economy of words webbed to appropriate actions to make clear both what we are asking people to do and why.  people feel more secure and give their worship more readily in this environment.

in leadership, efficient speaking is as important as vision casting and discipline.

Lord, may my words be few and effective. 

a short story just doesn't contain it all

so about a year ago, i was randomly shopping at a local retail store. i wasn't finding much, but i had a gift-certificate-type-of-thingy that needed to be used, so i searched deeper for meaningless trinkets and/or doo-dads.

until...

from the back of the store, i hear a crash and a cry of pain followed by moaning.

realizing this wasn't the season to purchase halloween soundtracks (let alone, the completely wrong store to find that kind of stuff), i went to investigate. one of the store clerks had been changing light bulbs and fell off a ladder--about 15 ft.

so, i began to talk to him to see if he was OK--even though by the shape of his leg, he was not.

first things first: "sir, may i pray for you?" (this had double purpose: prayer, of course, is the best thing, but it also got him talking so that he wouldn't pass out). i don't really remember what i said in the prayer, but God heard it and answered it.

the sum total of my first aid knowledge has come from watching too much tv, so we called 911, applied a cool, wet paper towel to his forehead and kept him talking until the emts showed up.

during the conversation, i got to know don pretty well. married, recoverd alcholic, member of his church choir. and he said he had one last vice--chewing tobacco.

again, merely as a means of keeping him conscious, i asked him what it would take to give it up, especially since he'd already overcome alcohol. he admitted that he didn't have a good answer for that.

within a few moments, the paramedics arrived and i got out of their way to let them to what they are trained to do. let me add quickly, thank you to all who serve in emergency services.

that's about the end of the story. a couple days later, i called the store and asked about him. he'd broken both legs and was in for a long road to recovery.

i often drive past that store and would continue to pray for don over the course of the year. that is until about a week ago. as i drove past, i felt a need to call the store and see if there was an update. it didn't even cross my mind that it was coming up on the anniversary.

...but i forgot.

...but then God reminded me by way of a friend that use to go to church here that had worked at that store during the Christmas rush. "he's looking for you to say 'thanks'."

...and then i get a phone call in the office from him! he'd searched and found me and wanted to say thanks.

i got an update that he is walking again, though he still lacks stamina. that'll be the next goal for physical therapy.

and the whole point of this post, and a short story just doesn't contain all the mighty works of God herein, is a couple of insignificant details that led to major milestones.

first, he told me that he felt like he was about to go into shock--until i prayed and at the moment of "amen" all pain was gone. secondly, he reminded me that i asked him about his habit of tobacco (which i had forgotten) and informed me that he hasn't chewed since.

none of the credit goes to me for praying nor to don for his determination to walk again. all the glory goes to God for the way that He heals and confirms His presence, let alone His existence whenever we look for Him.

thank You, Lord...yup, that pretty much sums it up.

100 songs every kid needs to know

when my oldest son turned 4, i burned a disk of songs for the family to enjoy singing together. it included quite a diverse playlist: showtunes, folk songs, bible songs, christmas songs and the like. it wasn't about a theme; it's just about singing in the car--a favorite family activity.
now that my youngest son is coming upon a birthday, i thought i'd make a new disk for him as well. (i feel compelled to point out how much we like gifts that can be shared by the whole family.) as i began to peruse and decide upon songs to be included, it led me to compile this master list of 100 songs that every kid needs to know.
i don't have any criteria or preconceived notions of what ought to be on there...or at least i didn't when i began. i wasn't looking just for songs from my memory of youth, i wanted good songs. quality is important.
the age of the song didn't really matter to me. if the latest songs are among the greatests songs, i'm happy to include them. but i always have a soft-spot in my heart for enduring music. some songs are great because they have stood the test of time, but some songs have stood the test of time simply because they are great. (and i should mention that some songs should retain their historicity--they are teaching moments!)
despite being for children, i didn't necessarily care if the renditions i found were of children singing. again with the concept of enduring, i want to expose my kids to great artists: bing crosby, frank sinatra, bill gaither, etc. as a music instructor, it sometimes pains me that upcoming musicians have, what i consider to be, some gaps in their exposure. who determines this, i don't know. it's another post for another blog on another day.
genre was another facet to consider, though this falls under some previous categories mentioned. i didn't want only sacred songs; i didn't want only inspirational songs. i want pop and rock and r&b and classical and standards and...and...and...diversity and eccelectism inspire me.
one overriding theme i see as i look at the titles i've compiled so far: encouragement. the lyrics have positive messages in them. even if they are silly lyrics (such as 'mairzy doats'), there is strength in the message. in the same line with encouragement is responsibility: there are songs that every citizen are responsible to know. (how embarrassing are 'national anthem' lyric snafus?)

so, you can see where i'm coming from. but you won't yet see where it's going--i haven't compiled my final list. feel free to post and respond with ideas and suggestions.

Lord of Creation, thank You for the gift of music. may we be responsible with the sounds with which you have entrusted us. thank You also for my wonderful children--a gift so undeserved. i am blessed.
1. Alphabet song
2. Awesome God
3. Bare necessities
4. B-I-B-L-E
5. Father Abraham
6. Give a little whistle
7. God bless America
8. Have patience (from music machine)
9. I got rhythm
10. I love to laugh (from mary poppins)
11. If I had a hammer
12. If you’re happy and you know it
13. In the garden
14. Inka-dinka-doo
15. Let a smile be your umbrella
16. Mairzy doats
17. Oh how he loves you and me
18. Oh susanna
19. Oh what a beautiful morning (from Oklahoma)
20. Old macdonald
21. Over the rainbow (from wizard of oz)
22. Puff, the magic dragon
23. Rocky top
24. Seventy-six trombones
25. Sing (as recorded by the carpenters)
26. Singin’ in the rain
27. Star-spangled banner
28. Take me out to the ballgame
29. This little light of mine
30. Together wherever we go
31. Tomorrow (from annie)
32. Trading my sorrows
33. Twinkle, twinkle little star
34. Victory in jesus
35. What a wonderful world
36. YMCA
37. You are my sunshine
38. Zaccheus was a wee little man

stay tuned for more development!

100 songs every kid needs to know

when my oldest son turned 4, i burned a disk of songs for the family to enjoy singing together. it included quite a diverse playlist: showtunes, folk songs, bible songs, christmas songs and the like. it wasn't about a theme; it's just about singing in the car--a favorite family activity.
now that my youngest son is coming upon a birthday, i thought i'd make a new disk for him as well. (i feel compelled to point out how much we like gifts that can be shared by the whole family.) as i began to peruse and decide upon songs to be included, it led me to compile this master list of 100 songs that every kid needs to know.
i don't have any criteria or preconceived notions of what ought to be on there...or at least i didn't when i began. i wasn't looking just for songs from my memory of youth, i wanted good songs. quality is important.
the age of the song didn't really matter to me. if the latest songs are among the greatests songs, i'm happy to include them. but i always have a soft-spot in my heart for enduring music. some songs are great because they have stood the test of time, but some songs have stood the test of time simply because they are great. (and i should mention that some songs should retain their historicity--they are teaching moments!)
despite being for children, i didn't necessarily care if the renditions i found were of children singing. again with the concept of enduring, i want to expose my kids to great artists: bing crosby, frank sinatra, bill gaither, etc. as a music instructor, it sometimes pains me that upcoming musicians have, what i consider to be, some gaps in their exposure. who determines this, i don't know. it's another post for another blog on another day.
genre was another facet to consider, though this falls under some previous categories mentioned. i didn't want only sacred songs; i didn't want only inspirational songs. i want pop and rock and r&b and classical and standards and...and...and...diversity and eccelectism inspire me.
one overriding theme i see as i look at the titles i've compiled so far: encouragement. the lyrics have positive messages in them. even if they are silly lyrics (such as 'mairzy doats'), there is strength in the message. in the same line with encouragement is responsibility: there are songs that every citizen are responsible to know. (how embarrassing are 'national anthem' lyric snafus?)

so, you can see where i'm coming from. but you won't yet see where it's going--i haven't compiled my final list. feel free to post and respond with ideas and suggestions.

Lord of Creation, thank You for the gift of music. may we be responsible with the sounds with which you have entrusted us. thank You also for my wonderful children--a gift so undeserved. i am blessed.
1. Alphabet song
2. Awesome God
3. Bare necessities
4. B-I-B-L-E
5. Father Abraham
6. Give a little whistle
7. God bless America
8. Have patience (from music machine)
9. I got rhythm
10. I love to laugh (from mary poppins)
11. If I had a hammer
12. If you’re happy and you know it
13. In the garden
14. Inka-dinka-doo
15. Let a smile be your umbrella
16. Mairzy doats
17. Oh how he loves you and me
18. Oh susanna
19. Oh what a beautiful morning (from Oklahoma)
20. Old macdonald
21. Over the rainbow (from wizard of oz)
22. Puff, the magic dragon
23. Rocky top
24. Seventy-six trombones
25. Sing (as recorded by the carpenters)
26. Singin’ in the rain
27. Star-spangled banner
28. Take me out to the ballgame
29. This little light of mine
30. Together wherever we go
31. Tomorrow (from annie)
32. Trading my sorrows
33. Twinkle, twinkle little star
34. Victory in jesus
35. What a wonderful world
36. YMCA
37. You are my sunshine
38. Zaccheus was a wee little man

stay tuned for more development!

humbling

those that know me, know that we've adopted three times, sort of.

the oldest one never filed any formal paperwork, but she's ours and we love her equally (even though she's driving me crazy, crazy, crazy!). the younger two are both technically, officially, openly adopted.

here's something you may not know about our adoptions: we have openness with birthfamilies.

i don't ask that any of you try to understand the "what" or "why" of open adoption. all i can say is that for us, it was the right thing to do. if we adopt again, we may not have openness, but for now, we know we are blessed because of it.

anyway, i only mention that to set the ground work to tell you about my humbling experience.

part of our openness is to write semi-frequently. i suppose many would say that we correspond often once you hear how many times we write each month, but compared to my mother who was a letter-writing machine, we'll leave it at "semi-frequently".

also, in our openness, we get together. this is not as often, but that's merely a logistical thing--to schedule two families and traveling isn't always easy nor convenient with life's busy-ness.

however, at our last visit with son #1's birthmother, she asked if we were going to adopt again. we don't really have secrets from her, so we were open and told her yes. we definately want to adopt again. our boys are praying "for more babies to come to our family, another boy and a little girl." we told her a little about or financial planning to be able to afford the process again.

as we do with everyone that asks us, we told her, with a grin, she could recruit for us--that if she knew of someone facing a choice of creating an adoption plan for their baby, then we could make it work out to connect with them. realistically, this could save us considerable amounts of money, because no agencies would have to be involved. it's not about the cost, but it's certainly a consideration.

well, that's the backstory. now for the humilty.

we got a letter from her yesterday. it always brightens our day to hear from her. my wife and i tease each other over who gets to read it first (she beat me this time).

i couldn't believe when i read it that she told us that she was actually talking to pregnant women about us! she not only "brags" about us and our son (she knows and is very careful to not call him her son. we respect her deeply for that.), but she has come to a place of healing that allows her to move past the guilt to a place of helping others experience peace.

i suppose she'll always have regret--not regret for her choice, but for the life choices that forced her situation to require such a choice. but peace has come to her heart.

as an adoptive parent, i can't imagine a higher praise than for a birth family to work for you to bring healing to others. this is a tangled web of weirdness, and yet there is peace and trust and, above all, love.

dear Lord, please bring more babies to our family, another boy and a little girl. and please continue to bring peace and healing through her (You know her name and hold her close). and not just for the blessing of my son, but more so for the relationship with her, we thank you for bringing her into our lives. she is a remarkable woman and she has a divine calling on her life. for any woman and/or man that is facing a choice, i pray for your peace and guidance on them, even if...especially if they don't believe in You.

and Lord, let me be your vessel to bring healing and peace wherever you plant me.

simple joys

some highlights from my weekend away. i call them simple joys.

• access to better quality exercise equipment than i have at home made exercise less of a drudgery.


• i saw john kerry.


• conversations with students


• pizzaria due (it's pizzaria uno, the sequel)


• shopping in chicago


• amazing adjudication at purdue (and their choirs are pretty amazing)


• naps on the bus!


• coming home


• even though the boys were more than an hour past bedtime, it was glad to see them and give them their presents

that is not all, and is, in no way, a prioritized list. but, with a smile on my face i look to the past with a smile (and hope to get more sleep very soon).

stomping grounds

this afternoon i get to travel homeward...well, sort of.
i get to accompany (in two ways) a local high school choir to a competition held very near where i went to high school. i'm very excited!
shortly after i left for college (august 1992), my parents moved away from the region and so i don't have many opportunities to return. i won't get to do much outside of the planned agenda for the long weekend, but still, it'll be fun to stomp the old grounds.

(the two ways of accompanying are as tour chaperone and as pianist.)

dichotomy

dichotomy is one of my favorite words. i could spend a lot of time explaining why; i could draw comparisons and the like to demonstrate why i like the word so much. here's my reason of the day.
my blog presents an interesting dichotomy. well, at least it's interesting enough to me to write about it, but it's probably not actually interesting at all.

my blog has always been my place to unleash my thoughts. because there are no rules of blogging, i tend to just throw it all out there and see what rises to the top. it's cathartic to look for trends and patterns in my life.
and yet, it keeps me centered because of the notion of who might read it. that is, it keeps my integrity in check, shaping me to write honestly, with integrity instead of bad-mouthing, bashing, etc. words in general are powerful to build-up or tear-down. my blog forces responsibility with words. and it is my conviction that even when correcting and rebuking, we can do it in a manner that builds up.

and thus the two sides of my dichotomy. i need to unleash my thoughts. i have a great tool at my disposal that can help me sort through the stuff, the muck. but just like grace, the tool's potential is worthless unless it is put to work.
on the other hand, i'm not sure that i want to be responsible with my words. the issue is deeply personal to me and involves as person in my life. i don't know if that person ever reads my blog or not. if they didn't, i could just tear them down as anonymous and i think i'd feel good for the moment. but if they were to read my words, would they be built-up or torn-down?

another strand of my web is that now that i have posted this, many in my life will become self-conscious. they'll develope a judas-complex: "surely, not i!" which is not the point.
i question whether i should write about it at all.
but that leads to my first point: this could be a great tool for me to sort through my thoughts--which desperately needs to happen.

Lord, let my words be from you at all times whether they come from my mouth or my fingers.