just in the mood to write

i'm not really sure what i want to say today. there is so much in my mind and in my heart that wants to burst forth. i have beauty in my life and i have heartaches. i am acutely aware of and conspicuously naive of so many things that are present in my life.
the ideals of surrealism have captivated my thoughts of late. wikipedia (that most reliable of sources) says "Surrealist works feature the element of surprise, unexpected juxtapositions and non-sequitur." is there a more apt description of life in Christ? well, for that matter, life in general is full of non-sequitur.
now, let me clarify one important point: i do not hold with all the ideals and extremities of surrealism, dadaism, etc. but, the underlying premise (as written above) really seems to be true for me.
i am blessed, though cursed by my own sins. i am happy and heartbroken. i am smiling and sobbing and starry-eyed and stark and strained and surging.
often i have said "it's all good." i realize that's not the truest thing i've ever uttered, but it sums up a life-philosphy that embraces life despite its foibles, takes the bad because it leads to good, in the grip of hope amidst the choke of hopelessness.
maybe i need a new phrase--something like "it's all dickinsian--the best of times, the worst of times", "it's all ecclesiastical--nothing new under the sun" or "it's all God".
i'm noting the humor in myself. as i type this, i unwittingly realize i have the expression that my grandpa had whenever he was perplexed. "it's all perplexing"? "it's all dichotomy"? 3rd generation of perplexed? how many of us have experienced this (all that have lived, i suppose)?
maybe someday i'll understand it, or at least have perspective that captures a nugget of truth, an ideal to hold on to. but, if not, this i know: God is good.
for now, i accept this as my own internal duet--major and minor keys simultaneously singing the same song of praise.

just for fun

i had so much fun at rehearsal yesterday!
the story...but first, let me clarify. i alwasy enjoy rehearsals, but yesterday was a different role for me, so to speak. it was more fun than Scrabble®!
there were a couple of the leads absent yesterday. (i'm not sure where they were, but they've worked hard and certainly deserve a day off.) but, an important aspect of the rehearsals right now is that we are beginning to put together the pieces. up until now, the bits and pieces have been seperated into the component parts. first you pop the popcorn and then you string it together for the christmas garland.
so, because of that approach and the absence of some, i got to play about 2 or 3 additional characters besides my own. what fun!
the entire show is full of great songs and i got to sing even more of them than usual. also, i got to interact with more of the cast than usual. and to top it all off, someone brought food.
it was a great day of rehearsal.

a confession and a revelation

it was revealed to me yesterday.
well, more accurately, it sorta slapped me in the face yesterday: i'm not used to not getting my way.
wow, when i say/type that, i realize how shallow i sound. perhaps i am that shallow. i hope not and i'll work to grow closer to Christ. but, as i ponder the blessings of my life, i really have been given a lot! many dreams have come true for me--many more than i ever deserve.
some of my dreams have required a lot of extra work, but still have been acheived. when i think of everything we did to pursue family expansion: medical (procedures, timing, costs), emotional (hope, hopelessness, hope, hopelessness), legal (adoption procedures, costs) and waiting, waiting, waiting, no one ever said "no". it took a while, but my 3 kids are proof that i got what i wanted.
the office environment i work within is highly collaborative. and from that, i really get to interject my thoughts and ideas. not all of them are accepted carte blanche, but decisions made are most often through concensus or at least with my conscent (i don't ever get the final call, but i want the best for our church).
to be completely transparent, i have to give more of my disappointment in the saigon experience. i didn't get the part i wanted. never when i've auditioned for a show have i ever wanted a part as badly as i wanted the male lead in miss saigon. sure, there are star vehicles and supporting roles. but, it never has really mattered to me--i've done leads and i've done chorus.
let me also say this is no reflection on my friend that did get the part. he's doing a great job and is certainly capable and achieving really good character stuff. but, i wanted it. there was no second chance, no "upon further consideration...". (likewise, i should say that i love the role i got.)
well, the incident that ushered in my revelation came yesterday, as i already said. my oldest son was being considered for the child's role in miss saigon. i really wanted him to do it. i wanted him to steal my thunder. i wanted the accolades for him. i wanted everyone to see my kid being cute.
"it's not going to work out."
i understand all the reasoning, and agree with it--but that doesn't match my dream, my vision. i didn't get what i wanted and it hurt.
i have no hard feelings toward anyone about it, but i'm disappointed.
so, i'm just confessing today.

Lord, restore contentment in my life. but, more importantly, teach me and guide me to the place in your heart that seeks Your will and ways. it's not about me. thank You for, despite the let-down, reminding me that You are all that is important. thank You for the blessings in my life, so much more than i deserve.