i first saw miss saigon about 15 years ago. at that point, it was the most riveting theater experience i'd ever...experienced. i knew that i wanted to someday be a part of such a production. everything about it had me mezmerized from the first note of the overture and the rise of the rice paper curtain all the way through the last cry of agony (yes, it's that kind of show).
and now that i get to experience the show from the inside out, i know i am blessed. but, i've come to realize how my perspective has changed since i first saw the show.
at that time

• i was still in college, not sure what i was going to do with my life
• i was single and not dating (though, hoping to date the girl that went with me to see the show. alas, amiee, your loss)
• i had no children

our 'situations in time' color our perspectives. that's not a bad thing, though we'd often like to think we can think outside of our situations. my situation in this time is what's different and i relate to the characters (mine and others') different. it's not that the show is any less impactful to me, but it is...well...different.

i can say now with all assurance that i would, if faced with some sort of situation that called for it, make the same choice as kim for the sake of her son. i pray i never am faced with any such choice, but i am sure that i would do the same thing.

and, my perspective on the love women have for the children they bear is much different now thanks to meeting 2 wonderful young women--lisa and emma. they were in awkward situations and they chose to put the lives and well-being of the baby boys inside them of higher priority than their own. they are amazing women that paid an immense price because of love; love of their children was wider and higher and deeper than any social obligation or deep-rooted need within them. (and i am blessed because of their choices.)

i am more and more profoundly affected by the immensity and humility of love. i am overwhelmed by the love Christ has for us to let himself die in our place--to take our penalty. i am blessed by the way my wife loves me. i am built up and strengthened by the simplistic love my children give to me. i am baffled by the way my teenager has developed a great sense of love and compassion despite the early beginnings of her life having an example of love that is ugly and not true (love that is conditional is not love at all). all this love in one man's life? who ever could deserve such a thing?

well, no one deserves it, but we are better because of it.

dear Lord, may i love the way i have been loved.

changing

in light of the current sermon series at church, i've really been pondering this song. it's called 'i am changing' by henry krieger and tom eyen and is from the show/movie 'dreamgirls'. i post the lyrics here for you to view through the lens of 'you & improved'.

i am changing, trying every way i can.
i am changing. i'll be better than i am.
i'm trying to find a way to understand.
but i need you. i need you. i need a hand.

i am changing, seeing everything so clear.
i am changing. i'm gonna start right now, right here.
i'm hoping to work it out, and i know i can.
but i need. i need you. i need a hand.

all of my life i've been a fool who said i could to it all
alone.
how many good friends have i already lost?
how many dark nights have i known?
walkin' down the wrong road there was nothin i could find.
all those years of darkness could make a person blind.

but, now i can see i am changing, trying every way i can.
i am changing. i'll be better than i am.
but i need a friend to help me start all over again.
that would be just fine. i know it's gonna work out this
time.
'cause this time i am--

i am changing. i'll get my life together now.
i am changing. yes, i know how.
i'm gonna start again. i'm gonna leave my past behind.
i'll change my life.
i'll make a vow that nothing's gonna stop me now!

i'm beginning to see the light!

"And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" Esther 4:14

i'm not really sure how to begin writing today. do i outline the whole scenario or just the highlights? is that information really relevant to the point i want to make? can i make my point without some background?
well, here goes...
i am confident that God manipulates the rules of His universe to allow me to be involved with community theater. i don't have time to do this, and yet it works out (and relationships do not suffer because of it). sometimes i can't remember my own phone number and i call my kids by the wrong name, and yet i can memorize 2 1/2 hours of music, script and choreography--God clearly leads this adventure.
and i am confident that God uses me in the fellowships of these groups. many an actor has asked, "what's my motivation?" i never need ask that, for being used by God is my motivation. i plant seeds as i participate in art (what a great combination!).
well, this current show is no different. i knew i was being placed in a role because God wanted me there (and the director thought she made that choice). despite all the questions and soul searching i had to do prior to auditions (to see if this particular show was beneficial or just permissible), i knew i had a bigger role awaiting me.
well, this week was very dickensian at rehearsal--it was the best of times and it was the worst of times. i won't go into the details for they now are in the past. but, in the midst of those details i was able to pray with a castmate. i don't know where he is in his faith-journey. he may be atheist or agnostic for all i know, but God used the moment and we (me, my castmate, the cast, the show and the situation) are all blessed because i, like esther, was placed for such a time as this. this is not a brag blog, but simply a testimony of God's enduring faithfulness and confirmation of His hand's presence in my life.
maybe that's the end of the story, but i have an idea that a sequel is not too far away. i will pray for and with more castmates! besides, and i say this in all seriousness, this is a HUGE show and we'll never make it through without God's help.

thank You, Lord, for helping me overcome my fears and stepping in faith to pray with my friend. You are an amazing Being. i'll never understand You completely, but You always confirm to me Your heart is true. make me, shape me, form me ever more into Your likeness--a reflection of You.