it was revealed to me yesterday.
well, more accurately, it sorta slapped me in the face yesterday: i'm not used to not getting my way.
wow, when i say/type that, i realize how shallow i sound. perhaps i am that shallow. i hope not and i'll work to grow closer to Christ. but, as i ponder the blessings of my life, i really have been given a lot! many dreams have come true for me--many more than i ever deserve.
some of my dreams have required a lot of extra work, but still have been acheived. when i think of everything we did to pursue family expansion: medical (procedures, timing, costs), emotional (hope, hopelessness, hope, hopelessness), legal (adoption procedures, costs) and waiting, waiting, waiting, no one ever said "no". it took a while, but my 3 kids are proof that i got what i wanted.
the office environment i work within is highly collaborative. and from that, i really get to interject my thoughts and ideas. not all of them are accepted carte blanche, but decisions made are most often through concensus or at least with my conscent (i don't ever get the final call, but i want the best for our church).
to be completely transparent, i have to give more of my disappointment in the saigon experience. i didn't get the part i wanted. never when i've auditioned for a show have i ever wanted a part as badly as i wanted the male lead in miss saigon. sure, there are star vehicles and supporting roles. but, it never has really mattered to me--i've done leads and i've done chorus.
let me also say this is no reflection on my friend that did get the part. he's doing a great job and is certainly capable and achieving really good character stuff. but, i wanted it. there was no second chance, no "upon further consideration...". (likewise, i should say that i love the role i got.)
well, the incident that ushered in my revelation came yesterday, as i already said. my oldest son was being considered for the child's role in miss saigon. i really wanted him to do it. i wanted him to steal my thunder. i wanted the accolades for him. i wanted everyone to see my kid being cute.
"it's not going to work out."
i understand all the reasoning, and agree with it--but that doesn't match my dream, my vision. i didn't get what i wanted and it hurt.
i have no hard feelings toward anyone about it, but i'm disappointed.
so, i'm just confessing today.
Lord, restore contentment in my life. but, more importantly, teach me and guide me to the place in your heart that seeks Your will and ways. it's not about me. thank You for, despite the let-down, reminding me that You are all that is important. thank You for the blessings in my life, so much more than i deserve.
