old friend and a cadenza

i was blessed to pick up an old tradition of mine--coffee with a particular friend (name witheld to protect the curmudgeonly). we haven't met regularly in months, so it was particularly nice to pick up where we left off. sealing wax, cabbages nor kings ever came up in conversation, but we talked about many things.
his insight today deserves to be shared.
the topic of music came up, as it often did, and i was explaining the concept of cadenza. it's basically a place for a performer to have some spontaneous (or otherwise well-conceived and planned) musical renderings at particular points of a song. in the realm of concerto, the orchestra and conductor to know to wait for the soloist before contiuing on.
in his inquisitiveness, i realized he had a valid point when he compared classical cadenza to artist spotlight in a jam session. "you mean they just play whatever they want for a while?" yup, pretty much. there are guidelines, but essentially, you're in the composer's seat.
i know this friend to be a highly disciplined individual. he likes order and routine, but he noted and i pass it on to you now--"sometimes you just need to take a cadneza".
and it's true. sometimes you need to take a spontaneous me-moment.
too many cadenzas would distract from what was really being played. too few makes things overly formulaic and routine.
so, as springtime has hit our hometown, i say that this be declared national cadenza weekend. take a small moment and be spontaneous. don't overdo it; don't underdo it. enjoy life for God gave it to you. that's why it's called the 'present'.

oh God, let me never do that again.

i'm not really sure what i want to type today. in fact, i almost didn't write today.
i've been motivated to resume blogging semi-daily, but today i fought it. i wanted to write, but wasn't sure what to say. and, being a proponent of "silence is golden", i was about close the window and save insight for a new day. but, just i as i was about to click...i saw it.
it stares at me everyday in my office.
it is a formerly-sticky (the adhesive wore off long ago, so now it's got a pushpin in it) note with 5 words on it.
i wrote this note to my self quite a while ago after being challenged by one particular old codger. (i usually don't mind disagreeing with folks as long as we're on the same page, but i really wanted this guy out of the picture--i viewed him as poison to my flock). i've recited, quoted, called upon and dilberated about this a LOT over the years. the note simply asks: "bad heart or bad habit?"
this has become my standard of measurement for the goodness of man. i realize that i am not the judge. i don't claim that position, nor do i desire that position. but, the question forces me to look at the person through God's eyes.
God loves every person. they are His children, His creation. that doesn't mean He likes the way they act, or the things they say, or the habits they form, or the attitudes they display.
do i love them the say way?
back to the old codger...
i honestly think he viewed grumpiness as his spiritual gift. it's not on any list in scripture, but it might have been written in his margins. but i realized, through seeking answer to the question, that he did, in fact, have a good heart. he just had a bad habit of being grumpy. this definately, on the jared-scale, scored him higher than some sociopath that had bad habits fueled by their bad, ugly, unrepentently-sinful heart.
so, i thought that's what i'd write about today--the old codger, whom i am sure is now with the Lord.
except, as i was typing, i realized i needed to ask the question about myself. (i hate mirrors.).
more to come as i explore that question.

one passage, two revelations

during my freshman orientation (august 1992), i felt, for the first time ever that i can recall, the Word of God speak directly to me.

being a PK (preacher's kid, not promise keeper), i had spent a lot of time hearing the Word of God preached, recited, quoted, presented, blah, blah, blah and etc. but, never did i listen. the difference between hearing and listening is a much-debated topic, but you know what i'm saying: my ears were working, but my heart and mind weren't.

let me give you a bit of back-story. when i was in high school, i had normal teenage problems: feeling boundaries, body image, place in this world (crap, now i have that song in my head), what i'll be when i grow up, etc. in retrospect, i didn't have it any worse than anyone else. but in the moment, yeah, it pretty much sucked to be me.

which of course leads to "acting out". for me, the temptation was shoplifting. i perceived that we were too poor to have cool things, so appropriated items that i wanted. i justified it by telling myself that these were things God wanted me to have: predominantly, christian music CDs. oh, the irony. eventually, it came to a screeching halt. i was busted.

so, back to our regularly scheduled past-tense life event: college orientation.

i can honestly say i have never shoplifted since then. (i still face the temptation occasionally.) but, i really stuggled with guilt about the whole ordeal (and the months of participation leading up to the crash). i was enrolled in a Bible college, which officially makes me a thief and a hypocrite because these people were serious about the whole God-thing and i was just playing along. i couldn't possibly ever be as holy as these folks (and i mean the students, let alone the faculty). paul changed all that for me.

"not that i have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but i press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. brothers, i do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. but one thing i do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (emphasis mine)

as much as i hate cliche's, i found truth in learning life is a journey, not a destination. in that moment, i was forever changed (which again, i realize is very cliche-ish, though absolutely true).

the second revelation of this passage just came to me yesterday.

my loyal readers (i think there are two, neither of which is even my own mother) may not realize that i am the most insecure musician that i know. but, apparently i'm a really good actor because i hide it so well. well, in order to understand my second revelation, i must again dive into the past. i hope you don't mind.

every music major at ccu (when i was a student, it was cbc), is required to do a junior recital. a simple 25-30 minute demonstration of skills in the performer's field: voice, piano, etc. being the cocky, hot-shot musician that i was, i took it on full force. i picked pieces that i felt were deceptively difficult (meaning, they sounded harder and flashier than they actually were). it actually was quite a nice program. but, i didn't have the goods to deliver.

i had the dexterity to play the pieces and i had the musicianship to emote through the pieces. i did not have the rehearsal skills, the endurance nor the stickwithit to accomplish the task. i failed miserably, even to the point that a memory block gripped me and i played 'heart & soul' in the middle of a mozart sonata. i eventually recaptured my place and finished the piece, but it was a horrible, traumatic experience. i vowed i would never do it again and nearly gave up music entirely. it's been nearly 15 years since i even attempted anything like it.

but, in the past few years i've felt a nagging to resume this type of playing. i play piano a LOT through work at the church and other various endeavors. but, i don't play this way. there is a surreal conflict between nagging and baggage--the two camps (i can't vs. i want to) were waging a war in me. and unfortunately, for those years, my choice was not to decide between them, which ulitmatley gave victory to the baggage.

"not that i have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but i press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. brothers, i do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. but one thing i do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (emphasis mine)

the same words speak differently to me. i've come to realize (thanks, rory noland) that the baggage was a lack of self-confidence. but, really it wasn't self-confidence, i was lacking God-confidence. this is the confidence in knowing that i was created for a purpose. i am gifted and talented (the verb, not the adjected) with skills to be used for that purpose. i am empassioned about accomplishing that purpose. i am a musician--that's what God created me to be.

to deny my calling is to:

• deny the Diety of Christ
• deny His power to work through me
• deny His power to bring healing from past hurt
• deny my very dna

when God calls, He also gifts; when gifts, He also expects the gift to be opened and used! so, out of the frying pan of self-doubt into the fire of humility, hard work and hope renewed.

so, this nagging in me is winning against the baggage now and in january 2010, i resumed taking piano lessons. i don't know where this will take me. the sky is the limit, though there are some benchmarks that have presented themselves as appropriate steps to take for recovery. these are the goals to be reached.

one such goal was the competition i entered yesterday. the final results were in my favor, though the bigger victory was in the confirmation that God called me to be a musician. and those He calls...well, you just read that part 2 paragraphs above...but, those He calls, He also confirms the calling through His comfort. i felt His comfort at a level never experienced before. soli Deo gloria--to God alone be the glory!

i am speechless in your presence today, Father Creator. gratitude, humility, strength and courage, hope--the list goes on and overwhelms me. You are faithful. You are holy. You are all that i need.

Lord, today i need You to help me balance the confidence of knowing how and what You created me to be along with the anxiousness that is natural response to my body's functions. and then, i need You to combat the lies of the deceiver that say i'm not good enough to glorify You.