on pause

with the christmas calendar in full swing (fool swing, perhaps?), and with many things on my mind, i've decided to stop fighting the nag to blog and to just admit that it's not going to happen for a while. so, i'm announcing that i'm on hold for the time being.

i'm thinking that instead of 'the great white death', snow in cincinnati should be called 'idiots, start your engines'. it happens every year, so let's learn to drive in this stuff already.

• slow and steady will get you there
• leave plenty of space for responding to people and conditions
• start earlier than usual
• don't go out unless you have to
• have good tires on a good vehicle
• turn on your lights to increase visibility (of you and by you)
• keep weight in your vehicle
• clean all your windows completely (even sides and rear)

i've tried to keep my frustration to myself and just let some helpful hints be known. however, if this craziness continues, stronger action will be taken. as dr. david banner often said, "don't make me angry. you wouldn't like me when i'm angry."

"_________________________"
(yup. that's me. speechless in the presence of God today)

headlines

as i was walking in this morning, i noticed a neighbor's morning edition with a headline reading "episcopal OKs gay unions".
why is it that americans keep voting down or overturning state legislation on gay unions?
why is it that the churches keep handing down dictates promoting gay unions?
some folks want us to remain (or rediscover) a christian nation while others want us to forge ahead into a post-christian nation. many berate the church for being closed-minded. the church and christians are blamed when their agenda fails. and yet, it seems to be the denominations that are joining support of the issues. is this paradox? irony? is it symptom of fighting the wrong battles?
i wonder what God thinks about the way we treat other people and the way we try to understand His defintion of love.

he said it better than me

i'm currently reading a book entitled, 'finding the groove--composing a jazz-shaped faith' by robert gelinas. it's a challenge to theology with illustrations from jazz; i'm really enjoying it.
so, this particular passage really struck me and i was compelled to reprint it here. i hope the publisher is ok with that (and i hope they appreciate that i'm actually using correct capitalization).

E Pluribus Unum
E pluribus unum--out of many, one. This motto represents the
American desire to be a society in which people from the whole world can come
and participate. At first, it only referred to the original thirteen
colonies, but over time we have come to recognize that the United States is a
nation created from the nations. Community in America begins with
understanding that we are many--native and immigrant, French, Italian, Germany,
Spanish, and so on--and while the story of how we came to be on these shores is
different, we can be one. E pluribus unum appears on the Great
Seal of the United States and on much of our money, and it represents our quest
and question when it comes to community in our culture.
It's a laudable goal, but how do you make many into one? The answer
depends on your metaphor. The image we have in mind for community is
vital, not just for our country, but for church as well, for our culture will
guide our pursuit toward being one in Christ.
The melting pot was (and still is for many) a guiding metaphor for making
one out of many. It is the idea that when a potential new citizen arrives,
he or she assimilates into a common culture that brings unity. The hope is
that whatever we let go of will more than be returned in the land of
opportunity. Many gladly melt into this "great crucible" for the benefits
it affords. Others wonder if the cost is too high as they simmer in teh
stew and give way to a new culture. Some who find the melting process
difficult can't quite liquefy and become the sludge at the bottom of the
pot. Ultimately, the melting pot is more about the one than the
many--which is why many opt for the salad bowl as a more fitting metaphor.
In a salad, lettuce remains lettuce and tomatoes remain tomatoes. The
salad bowl seeks to move beyond the melting pot by drawing attention to the need
for individuality. The salad dressing becomes teh key--representing that
which keeps everything together. But what is teh dressing? What is
that one common thing that holds us all together? Some have said it is
democracy, which is a pretty good answer for a country but a bad answer for a
church. How united in Christ can we be if everything comes down to
votes? I win, you lose--and vice versa. A good attempt, but it's
more about the many than the one.
We must be careful not to fall into the pitfalls of either of these
metaphors while at the same time recognizing that e pluribus unum is
compatible with the gospel's call to community. While both metaphores have
strengths, the cost of their weakness is too high. We desperately need a
new way of thinking about community in America. A fresh paradigm that will
help bring about unity among churches and within local bodies of
believers. A way of being "I" and "we"--so we don't reduce our definition
of community to "being in a small group." What is community? Is it
having significant relationships with others? Is it the people who live in
your same geographic space? I believe it's all that and so much
more.

opening night

opening night for miss saigon was a huge success!
i know we weren't perfect, but the audience responded well, the cast performed well (and had fun). everything about it was what it should be.
i felt so good at the end, i was ready to do it again.
i could have sang all night and still have sung some more.

a dream

it was sobering to me to realize that miss saigon has been a dream of mine for 15 years (i can't be that old). i first saw it while i was in college and knew, at that moment, that i wanted to perform in the show at sometime.
tonight realizes that dream come true for me.
i'm overwhelmed and excited and nervous and a little bit freakin' out--actually, i think i'm a whole-lot freakin' out.
too freakin' out to be trying to type into this blog today.

opening night of miss saigon

sold out! (and it's not until tomorrow)

as the opening of miss saigon approaches, this song keeps coming to mind. may my offerings on and off stage be only for His glory.

the stage is bare by sandi patty

the stage is bare; the crowds are gone
the love we shared still lingers on.
we sang and played and we laughed and cried
and in our fumbling way we tried
to way what only hearts can know
but, all too soon we had to go
but now here in this darkened room
just empty seats--there's just me and You.

it was so easy to call You Lord when a thousand voices sang Your
praise
but, there's no one to hear me now
so, hear me now; be near my now.

the stage is bare; the crowds are gone
Lord, now's the time i need Your song
to give me joy and certainty
when no one else is watching me
i need You more than words can say--tomorrow's such a daily
day
and so, i need to feel You then, holding my hand
please hold me then, i need You, Lord.

this is why i do it

yesterday was an incredibly long day--which should have seemed to have an extra hour, but alas, i filled that hour too.
i was to the office by 6am to prepare for our regular morning worship services. then, i ran (well, walked) home with just about enough time to grab a quick bite and then to the store for an errand. quickly, i was back to church to prepare for the ordination service. before the final amen was uttered, i scooted out the door and headed down to rehearsals--a grueling, 6+ hour rehearsal.
now, i am pooped. officially. unequivocably. pooped.
but, i loved every minute of it:
i love my job. no, not my job...i love of the calling placed on my life. i not easily awakened before 7 am, except to prepare for worship and i never have a problem with it then.
i love to worship. i love to fellowship. i love everything about my church.
i was humbled and honored to participate in the holy moment of setting mike apart for christian ministry. the ceremony was nice, but the ideal of ordination was unimaginably fitting.
i have met so many new friends, very talented friends, while working on this show. yesterday's rehearsal, although long, was rejuvinating and exciting and...dare i say it?...FUN!
our show still needs another visit or two to the chiropractor--kinks need to be worked out. but, i see the potential and i can hardly wait for friday night to open our show and our renewed theater.
this is why i do it: i'm so freakin' blessed by it all and because of it all. even in long days like yesterday, i see the hand of God leading me. only He knows what great things lie in store. praise His Holy name.

oh Lord, i need You today. i need You everyday, but especially today i ask for You to hold me near. keep one hand on my shoulder and the other over my mouth. give me wisdom and patience despite my fatigue.
i praise You in this day for You have made it and given it to us. may it all be for Your glory. You are the reason we do what we do and i pray for it to be enough.

my wife is awesome.
she's a great help-mate and partner to me.
she's a great mother to my kids.
i am blessed with her and by her.

my wife is awesome.

she's a great mother to my kids.

she's a great help-mate and support to me.

i am blessed.

i am not a writer

i am not a writer.
i love to write. i love the power of words. i am impressed by the ability words have (and demonstrate) to inspire, challenge, poke, prod, teach, admonish, rebuke, taint, convict, etc.
somewhere in my upbringing (everything that is me up to now. up to now. up to now (i'm constantly learning). up to now.) i caught a vision of potential for effective communication. i'm pretty sure RWB had a lot to do with that.
but, as i sit in front of my computer today, i realize that words are not my gift.
i figured out my deficiency because my morning was so perfect. it was one of those moments that you want to say "words can't describe", but then you find a poem by keats or byron or shakespeare or longfellow or angelou or hughes or silverstein or hallmark or anonymous that does, in fact, describe. it captures with words. in black and white, without clip art or doodles, the writer's words expresses the visual, audio, spiritual, emotional snapshot of "it".
you can call "it" a moment or a mood or mental image or whatever...the words sum up, contain, explain or otherwise rematerialize the experience. this is the power of words. this is why the gospel of john begins as it does: "in the beginning was The Word..."
ok, back to life, back to reality.
i'm not a writer, but i really want to blog about my perfect morning. so, to you, the reader, here's my disclaimer: read at your own risk and keep in mind that my puny words just won't do it justice.
i got up early (which is never a good start to a morning) and despite being tired-er than usual for a monday morning, i did my wii-walk. in fact, i bumped it up a bit, doing almost 15 minutes more than i typically do. i hate to exercise, but i love the effects of it and i'm almost convinced that it's worth it. (now, this is one of the writing things i'm talking about. as i re-read that sentence i'm not sure that i really captured the sarcasm that i was intending about exercise, it's benefits and rewards.)
after an invigorating hot shower, i got dressed in some of my favorite clothes: jeans, sweater and comfortable casual shoes. had a hearty breakfast and proceeded to my weekly coffee meeting. (i again missed to write effectively. "coffee meeting" has double-entendre here. i meet in a location where coffee is served. but, it's really good coffee and i look forward to the cup meeting my lips. both were especially good today.)
i then proceeded to the pinnacle of my morning, my commute. the brisk temperature and resultant visible breath, the flourish of fall foliage, good tune on the zune and a sunrise that brought to mind the concepts of Creation--this is the exact same orb in the heavens that adam gazed upon, and now also to adamson. it was amazing. it was a moment that confirmed my faith in God. if my life was a movie, this would have been the slow-motion montage.
i realize that my words can describe all the elements of "the moment", but they still don't sum up the experience. maybe better words will come to my mind; probably not. maybe i'll enroll in an on-line writing course to improve my skill set; probably not. maybe i'll...; probably not.
but, when my wife asks how my day was, i'll grin and say, "fine".

new music

i'm not one to ride the bandwagon of the latest and greatest in worship music. i like worship music, but not because it's new or old or is a hymn or a praise song format or is piano-driven, guitar-driven, a cappella, etc. i love God and it is my humble honor and duty to worship Him. for me, music is a great vehicle to carry my praise to the throne.
but, there are 3 new songs that have really touched me lately. i print the lyrics here so that you too can mediate on them.

Desert Song by Brooke Fraser
This is my prayer in the desert, when all that's within me feels
dry.
This is my prayer in my hunger and need. My God is the God who
provides.
This is my prayer in the fire, in weakness or trial or pain.
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold. So, refine me,
Lord, through the flame.
This is my prayer in the battle, when triump is still on it's
way.
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ, so firm on His promise
I'll stand
I will bring praise. I will bring praise. No weapon
formed against me shall remain.
I will rejoice. I will declare, God is my victory and He is
here.
This is my prayer in the harvest, when favor and providence
flow.
I know I'm filled to be emptied again. The seed I've received I
will sow.

Fade With Our Voices by Jason Gray and Jason Ingram
After all the songs are sung and our prayers for kingdom come, did we
bring honor to the words we sang?
Does our worship have hands? Does it have feet? Does it
stand up in the face of injustice? Does our worship bow down? Does
it run deep? Is it more than a song that fades with our voices? Does
it fade with our voices?
Lord, it's You we long to please. Make our lives a melody that we
proclaim when we live in Jesus name.
Does our worship have hands? Does it have feet? Does it
stand up in the face of injustice? Does our worship bow down? Does
it run deep? Is it more than a song that fades with our voices? Does
it fade with our voices?
So, if we raise our hands high, let us also reach them out. And
if we lift our voices up, let it be the sound of love.

Remembrance by Matt Maher and Matt Redman
Oh how could it be that my God would welcome me into this
mystery?
Say "Take this bread, take this wine." Now the simple made divine for
any to receive.
by Your mercy we come to Your table.
by Your grace You are making us faithful.
Lord, we remember You--and remembrance leads us to worship.
and as we worship You, our worship leads to communion.
we respond to Your invitation, we remember You.
See His body, His blood, know that He has overcome every gtrial we will
face.
None too lost to be saved, none to broken or ashamed, all are welcome
in this place.
by Your mercy we come to Your table.
by Your grace You are making us
faithful.
Lord, we remember You--and remembrance leads us to worship.
and
as we worship You, our worship leads to communion.
we respond to Your
invitation, we remember You.
Dying, You destroyed our death. Rising, You restored our
life.
Lord Jesus, come in glory! Lord Jesus, come in glory!

small world and a great quote

i feel like i've written a lot about miss saigon recently.
yup, i have.
i felt like i ought to branch out, but it's consumed me and it is my life right now. so, it makes sense to me that my life lessons (the things God is teaching me and leading me through) come from my experiences in and around the show.
so, here's another one...
one of my fellow cast members had a death in his family this week. it was an unexpected blow to the family (as these cases often are), but they seem to be grieving appropriately. it was hard with rehearsals to make time to attend any part of the memorial to support him, but i was able to make it to the funeral on thursday morning.
i really enjoyed the message of the pastor (whom i did not know). it was very appropriate for such a time. one thing he said that really impacted me even though i didn't know the decedent is that "no man can offer comfort, that is God's job. but, our availability shows we care."
so many times, i try to formulate the right thing to say in so many diverse situations. i try to figure out how, in 25 words or less, to express my heart and empathy. (i do have a heart and empathy, though i never feel like i show it well, hence my desire for words.) but, the preacher's words gently reminded me to get out of the way, to shut my mouth and let God work through me. my availability to God will translate to availability to those in need.
so God, i pray that you use me every day and in every way to show forth Your light. i am Your vessel to be used for Your purposes.
after the service, i saw an old friend--someone that didn't know yet about our youngest son. it was nice to reminice for a short time and to remind her that there was a church family that loved her and would love to see her again soon and often. as we were about to part ways, it dawned on me that i didn't know her connection to the departed. so, i asked. it turns out that she worked with him at a local establishment. it is a small world.
my prayers will now double--comfort for the family and friends of the departed will continue, but i will also add prayers for the prodigal to return home.
God, bless us, everyone.

just in the mood to write

i'm not really sure what i want to say today. there is so much in my mind and in my heart that wants to burst forth. i have beauty in my life and i have heartaches. i am acutely aware of and conspicuously naive of so many things that are present in my life.
the ideals of surrealism have captivated my thoughts of late. wikipedia (that most reliable of sources) says "Surrealist works feature the element of surprise, unexpected juxtapositions and non-sequitur." is there a more apt description of life in Christ? well, for that matter, life in general is full of non-sequitur.
now, let me clarify one important point: i do not hold with all the ideals and extremities of surrealism, dadaism, etc. but, the underlying premise (as written above) really seems to be true for me.
i am blessed, though cursed by my own sins. i am happy and heartbroken. i am smiling and sobbing and starry-eyed and stark and strained and surging.
often i have said "it's all good." i realize that's not the truest thing i've ever uttered, but it sums up a life-philosphy that embraces life despite its foibles, takes the bad because it leads to good, in the grip of hope amidst the choke of hopelessness.
maybe i need a new phrase--something like "it's all dickinsian--the best of times, the worst of times", "it's all ecclesiastical--nothing new under the sun" or "it's all God".
i'm noting the humor in myself. as i type this, i unwittingly realize i have the expression that my grandpa had whenever he was perplexed. "it's all perplexing"? "it's all dichotomy"? 3rd generation of perplexed? how many of us have experienced this (all that have lived, i suppose)?
maybe someday i'll understand it, or at least have perspective that captures a nugget of truth, an ideal to hold on to. but, if not, this i know: God is good.
for now, i accept this as my own internal duet--major and minor keys simultaneously singing the same song of praise.

just for fun

i had so much fun at rehearsal yesterday!
the story...but first, let me clarify. i alwasy enjoy rehearsals, but yesterday was a different role for me, so to speak. it was more fun than Scrabble®!
there were a couple of the leads absent yesterday. (i'm not sure where they were, but they've worked hard and certainly deserve a day off.) but, an important aspect of the rehearsals right now is that we are beginning to put together the pieces. up until now, the bits and pieces have been seperated into the component parts. first you pop the popcorn and then you string it together for the christmas garland.
so, because of that approach and the absence of some, i got to play about 2 or 3 additional characters besides my own. what fun!
the entire show is full of great songs and i got to sing even more of them than usual. also, i got to interact with more of the cast than usual. and to top it all off, someone brought food.
it was a great day of rehearsal.

a confession and a revelation

it was revealed to me yesterday.
well, more accurately, it sorta slapped me in the face yesterday: i'm not used to not getting my way.
wow, when i say/type that, i realize how shallow i sound. perhaps i am that shallow. i hope not and i'll work to grow closer to Christ. but, as i ponder the blessings of my life, i really have been given a lot! many dreams have come true for me--many more than i ever deserve.
some of my dreams have required a lot of extra work, but still have been acheived. when i think of everything we did to pursue family expansion: medical (procedures, timing, costs), emotional (hope, hopelessness, hope, hopelessness), legal (adoption procedures, costs) and waiting, waiting, waiting, no one ever said "no". it took a while, but my 3 kids are proof that i got what i wanted.
the office environment i work within is highly collaborative. and from that, i really get to interject my thoughts and ideas. not all of them are accepted carte blanche, but decisions made are most often through concensus or at least with my conscent (i don't ever get the final call, but i want the best for our church).
to be completely transparent, i have to give more of my disappointment in the saigon experience. i didn't get the part i wanted. never when i've auditioned for a show have i ever wanted a part as badly as i wanted the male lead in miss saigon. sure, there are star vehicles and supporting roles. but, it never has really mattered to me--i've done leads and i've done chorus.
let me also say this is no reflection on my friend that did get the part. he's doing a great job and is certainly capable and achieving really good character stuff. but, i wanted it. there was no second chance, no "upon further consideration...". (likewise, i should say that i love the role i got.)
well, the incident that ushered in my revelation came yesterday, as i already said. my oldest son was being considered for the child's role in miss saigon. i really wanted him to do it. i wanted him to steal my thunder. i wanted the accolades for him. i wanted everyone to see my kid being cute.
"it's not going to work out."
i understand all the reasoning, and agree with it--but that doesn't match my dream, my vision. i didn't get what i wanted and it hurt.
i have no hard feelings toward anyone about it, but i'm disappointed.
so, i'm just confessing today.

Lord, restore contentment in my life. but, more importantly, teach me and guide me to the place in your heart that seeks Your will and ways. it's not about me. thank You for, despite the let-down, reminding me that You are all that is important. thank You for the blessings in my life, so much more than i deserve.

sunday school works

we were very excited a couple of weeks ago because israel "graduated" from the church nursery to his very first sunday school and wee worship class. we were freaked out that our baby is growing, which i assume is a fairly normal response from parents. we weren't really worried about him adapting, for he's always had a personality with adaptability. but, for about a month, we talked it up with him. he caught the vision and began to tell everyone, and i do mean everyone (friends, family, cashiers, total strangers, etc) that he was "going to go to school".
a few friends had asked if he enjoyed it, but that's difficult to measure in a 2 1/2 year old.
but, this week gave me a glimpse of the truth: sunday school works!
early (way too early) in the morning, the two of us were sitting on the couch. i was playing a hand-held game and he was looking at a book. in the book was a picture of a tree. the dialogue begins:
israel: "papa, is that a tree?"
papa: "yes, that sure looks like a tree to me."
israel: "papa, is that a tree?"
papa: "yes, it is a tree."
israel: "papa, did God make that tree?"
papa: (slightly surprised) "why, yes. God did make the trees."
israel: "God made the trees and He made me! thank You, God, for making me."
yes, the tears flowed freely.
and, i'm gaining a better understanding of the child-like faith that Jesus encouraged us all to posses.

i echo the prayer of praise offered by my son: thank You, God, for making him.

i first saw miss saigon about 15 years ago. at that point, it was the most riveting theater experience i'd ever...experienced. i knew that i wanted to someday be a part of such a production. everything about it had me mezmerized from the first note of the overture and the rise of the rice paper curtain all the way through the last cry of agony (yes, it's that kind of show).
and now that i get to experience the show from the inside out, i know i am blessed. but, i've come to realize how my perspective has changed since i first saw the show.
at that time

• i was still in college, not sure what i was going to do with my life
• i was single and not dating (though, hoping to date the girl that went with me to see the show. alas, amiee, your loss)
• i had no children

our 'situations in time' color our perspectives. that's not a bad thing, though we'd often like to think we can think outside of our situations. my situation in this time is what's different and i relate to the characters (mine and others') different. it's not that the show is any less impactful to me, but it is...well...different.

i can say now with all assurance that i would, if faced with some sort of situation that called for it, make the same choice as kim for the sake of her son. i pray i never am faced with any such choice, but i am sure that i would do the same thing.

and, my perspective on the love women have for the children they bear is much different now thanks to meeting 2 wonderful young women--lisa and emma. they were in awkward situations and they chose to put the lives and well-being of the baby boys inside them of higher priority than their own. they are amazing women that paid an immense price because of love; love of their children was wider and higher and deeper than any social obligation or deep-rooted need within them. (and i am blessed because of their choices.)

i am more and more profoundly affected by the immensity and humility of love. i am overwhelmed by the love Christ has for us to let himself die in our place--to take our penalty. i am blessed by the way my wife loves me. i am built up and strengthened by the simplistic love my children give to me. i am baffled by the way my teenager has developed a great sense of love and compassion despite the early beginnings of her life having an example of love that is ugly and not true (love that is conditional is not love at all). all this love in one man's life? who ever could deserve such a thing?

well, no one deserves it, but we are better because of it.

dear Lord, may i love the way i have been loved.

changing

in light of the current sermon series at church, i've really been pondering this song. it's called 'i am changing' by henry krieger and tom eyen and is from the show/movie 'dreamgirls'. i post the lyrics here for you to view through the lens of 'you & improved'.

i am changing, trying every way i can.
i am changing. i'll be better than i am.
i'm trying to find a way to understand.
but i need you. i need you. i need a hand.

i am changing, seeing everything so clear.
i am changing. i'm gonna start right now, right here.
i'm hoping to work it out, and i know i can.
but i need. i need you. i need a hand.

all of my life i've been a fool who said i could to it all
alone.
how many good friends have i already lost?
how many dark nights have i known?
walkin' down the wrong road there was nothin i could find.
all those years of darkness could make a person blind.

but, now i can see i am changing, trying every way i can.
i am changing. i'll be better than i am.
but i need a friend to help me start all over again.
that would be just fine. i know it's gonna work out this
time.
'cause this time i am--

i am changing. i'll get my life together now.
i am changing. yes, i know how.
i'm gonna start again. i'm gonna leave my past behind.
i'll change my life.
i'll make a vow that nothing's gonna stop me now!

i'm beginning to see the light!

"And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" Esther 4:14

i'm not really sure how to begin writing today. do i outline the whole scenario or just the highlights? is that information really relevant to the point i want to make? can i make my point without some background?
well, here goes...
i am confident that God manipulates the rules of His universe to allow me to be involved with community theater. i don't have time to do this, and yet it works out (and relationships do not suffer because of it). sometimes i can't remember my own phone number and i call my kids by the wrong name, and yet i can memorize 2 1/2 hours of music, script and choreography--God clearly leads this adventure.
and i am confident that God uses me in the fellowships of these groups. many an actor has asked, "what's my motivation?" i never need ask that, for being used by God is my motivation. i plant seeds as i participate in art (what a great combination!).
well, this current show is no different. i knew i was being placed in a role because God wanted me there (and the director thought she made that choice). despite all the questions and soul searching i had to do prior to auditions (to see if this particular show was beneficial or just permissible), i knew i had a bigger role awaiting me.
well, this week was very dickensian at rehearsal--it was the best of times and it was the worst of times. i won't go into the details for they now are in the past. but, in the midst of those details i was able to pray with a castmate. i don't know where he is in his faith-journey. he may be atheist or agnostic for all i know, but God used the moment and we (me, my castmate, the cast, the show and the situation) are all blessed because i, like esther, was placed for such a time as this. this is not a brag blog, but simply a testimony of God's enduring faithfulness and confirmation of His hand's presence in my life.
maybe that's the end of the story, but i have an idea that a sequel is not too far away. i will pray for and with more castmates! besides, and i say this in all seriousness, this is a HUGE show and we'll never make it through without God's help.

thank You, Lord, for helping me overcome my fears and stepping in faith to pray with my friend. You are an amazing Being. i'll never understand You completely, but You always confirm to me Your heart is true. make me, shape me, form me ever more into Your likeness--a reflection of You.

patience

i just have to be real. it's a call from heaven, but also, it's who i am (mostly because of the call from heaven). i want to be a "what you see is what you get" kind of guy. no pretense and no facade.
so, i have to say upfront that i'm learning patience through our production of miss saigon. i'm so excited about the show that i want to be making bigger strides and sooner. i'm ready for the pressure of tech week. i want... i want... i want...
wait, there's the rub. whenever it becomes about "me", i loose patience--not with myself per se. when i let it become about me, i loose sight of a bigger perspective. this is an "us" thing, not a "me" thing.
so, then i have to step away from myself and look at the group and know that we are progressing, moving forward. it's a daunting show to try and pull off and there are many tees to be dotted and eyes to be crossed before we open in about 2 months.

Lord, teach me patience. and, let me use these 2 months wisely and for Your purposes (You have me here for a reason).

saigon thoughts

i've been pondering elements of the show that i'm working on, miss saigon. i think what i'm coming to appreciate is the dichotomy of simplicity and depth.
there is a simple love story,
but it has a little complication
and there are barriers
and every person is a human--that is, there aren't really any stereotypes and you can sense the depth and humanity in even the minor characters/chorus members.
there are conflicts based on religion, socio-economic status, patriotism, nationalism, racism, governmental bureaucracy, morality, drug abuse, multi-culturalism. oh, and don't forget love in it's various and wondrous forms.
as some of you know, i have a bad habit of telling too much of a story instead of letting you come to see it with a clean slate. so, i'll stop talking about the specifics of the show.
i'll just say again that i'm gaining greater appreciation for the dichotomy of simplicity and depth within the characters, the music and the show as a whole.

tickets on sale soon.

irony

as i'm getting steeped in rehearsals for miss saigon, a memory came back to me. i'd mostly forgotten about it, but it's fun and i wanted to write about how small the world is afterall.

the first (and only) time i saw a production of miss saigon was when i was in college. i had the hugest crush on a certain girl (name withheld for her privacy) and we shared a love for music theater. so, on a very expensive limb, i went out and got tickets for MS and invited her as my date. she agreed, though i think mostly because of the show, not me.
we had a great time and enjoyed the show. we didn't go out again and that's ok, too. we stayed friends until i graduated; after that, we lost touch.
well, fast forward many years--for one of our anniversaries, rhonda and i went to see a production of r&h's cinderella. we were having a great evening, enjoying the performances of deborah gibson (aka debbie gibson) and ertha kitt.
during intermission, i was chatting with rhonda about some of the previous shows i had seen in that theater, one of which was miss saigon. i told her the story of the girl on which i had a crush and we had a laugh about the way life goes on in directions different than we often imagine.
about that time i hear a timid voice ask, "jared?" i turned to the seats on my left and who should i see but crushy-girl and her husband. she remembered the production (and the evening) as well as i did and agreed that life goes in different ways.
but, i have to say after all these years:

• to crushy-girl--thanks for a lovely evening, but i'm happy with the way things turned out
• to rhonda--i love you so much and am quite thankful that my future includes you and not crushy-girl
• to miss saigon--i love you, though not as much as i love my wife, and i'm really glad to get to be a apart of lsc's amazing production

Miss Saigon is a West End musical by Claude-Michel Schonberg and Alain Boublil, with lyrics by Boublil and Richard Maltby, Jr. It is a modern adaptation of Puccini's opera Madame Butterfly, and similarly tells the tragic tale of a doomed romance involving an Asian woman abandoned by her American lover. The setting of the plot is relocated to the 1970s Saigon during the Vietnam War, and Madame Butterfly's American Lieutenant and Japanese geisha coupling is replaced by a romance between an American GI and a Vietnamese bar girl.
It premiered at the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, in London on September 20 1989, closing after 4,264 performances on October 30 1999. It opened at the Broadway Theater in New York City in 1991. It subsequently opened in many other cities and embarked on tours.
The musical represented Schönberg and Boublil's second major success, following Les Miserables in 1980. As of April 2009, Miss Saigon is still the 10th longest-running Broadway musical in musical theatre history.

Last night was our first rehearsal for this magnificent show. i'm sure in the next 10 weeks i'll be blogging more and more about my insights and ideas of the show. mark your calendars for november 6, 2009--opening night at the soon-to-be rebuilt loveland stage company theater. it'll be worth the wait (in gold). www.lovelandstagecompany.org

Lord, even in the midst of this show of a secular love, let me do my best and do it for your glory.

so, my wednesday post was about a dream-within-a-dream.
today, i'm blogging about a movie about blogging. coincidence?
we went to see julie & julia yesterday for rhonda's birthday. it is a very sweet film and i recommend it (some questionable language, as might be expected). though i'll warn you--it made me hungry.

i'm not one who can usually remember his dreams. i'm told that i have them everynight, that they are a part of healthy sleep. but, rare is the occasion that i wake up remember the pictures in my mind.
but, last night was different.
likewise, i'm not one to fall into irrational fear--that is, i can watch slasher movies without double checking the locks on the door. i watched 'the exorcist' without questioning the motives of my son's tantrum.
but, last night was different.
i had a dream that i was chaperoning a trip for kings high school. that's a little strange for it is something that i did this past spring. the difference this time is that it was for the band/orchestra and not the choir. we were headed west for a very large competition on 2 charter busses.
as it often is with dreams, you don't remember all the details, but this i remember--i had a dream within my dream. just before we were packing the busses to leave, i fell asleep and dreamed that my family (who wasn't my actual family, but in my dream they were the real ones) went on vacation. while we were driving a large pick-up and pulling a camper (which is how those of you who really know me can tell it was not real), we lost control and drove over a cliff. the only survivor was our dog.
well, that dream-within-a-dream woke me up in the dream, but i felt such a overwhelming fear that i couldn't get on the bus to chaperone this trip. i tried to tell everyone that it was a prophecy about this trip and that we were all going to die, but no one listened.
eventually, i just slowly walked away from the busses and headed home, slowly walking, in a daze. (and yet strange details i do remember is that i was headed towards king's island and the sun was setting (or rising) just behind the eiffle tower).
the dream-within-a-dream was, in fact, a prophecy, but not about the trip of teens from kings. as i headed off into the sunset, i walked through an apartment complex and was shot down in a drive-by shooting. i died, but the trip out west had a wonderful time. i should have stayed on the bus.
so, in my dream (not the dream-within-a-dream), i was so frightened by the realizism--even though i was already dead--that my real, sleeping self was truly frightened. i couldn't go back to sleep.
i'm fine now and i realize the dream(s) were just that. i know God speaks through dreams, but i'm not convinced He had anything to say through this one. i'll just mark it up to weird and go on with my day.
but, i'll probably avoid busses, chaperones and apartment complexes for a few days.

i can't believe it's been 2 months since i've typed my thoughts into this completely pointless and worthless website known as the blog of jared. time flies when you're not paying attention.

and, really, i don't have much to say today, except that i want to be real and genuine. i want to be completely transparent. i want to live without pretense or facade. hopefully, you know me to be like that.

and having said that, i want to type here that this blog is just my thoughts. i write things here that you may or may not agree with. sometimes i don't even agree with all the things i write. my thoughts are not always holy and reverent; sometimes i am raw and irrational. i want to be like Jesus, but that process isn't always neat and tidy. nonetheless, these words are my words and i own up to the things i say.
if you're blessed by them, i'd like to know that. but, then again, i don't need to know it. i'm glad that God spoke to you through me.
if you're offended by my words, that's your right, too. but, don't hold anger against me. there's no point in you committing a sin just because my words rubbed the wrong way. let's discuss it; let me know what i said that was hurtful to you.
if you don't like what i write or the way that i write, don't read it. my self-esteem doesn't ride on your approval of my blog. i didn't write it for you or your pleasure or really for anyone except myself. it is my catharsis.
if you look at me differently because of my transparency, that's OK too. so be it. i was not placed on this planet for your approval. i'm just a citizen of heaven, temporarily assigned to serve God in this place.
and, if you think this transparency speaks against my previous statements about being like Jesus, then let's discuss that too. i'm open to listening to your ideas on what a christian's attitude ought to be.

verbalize

i often find it hard to verbalize what i'm thinking. sometimes things are so overwhelming that i can't express it. sometimes there are too many variables to condense into words. sometimes my head is too full to process everything. mostly, though, i'm confused by the polarity.
so, (no pun nor sarcasm intended) thank God for a Holy Spirit that interceeds on our behalf. for those times when we don't know how are what to pray--He takes care of it. whew! what a relief from worry about worrying! what a joy for joy unspeakable! what a liberation from bondage! what a help in my helplessness! what an aid in my brokenness!
of course, there are responsibilities that come with it, but it's totally worth it. to be a slave to Christ carries awesome responsibilities and awesome benefits. the paradox of freedom because of slavery is yet one more thing that requires the Holy Spirit to speak on my behalf--for i am speechless.

what now?

Lord, what are You teaching me now?
what is the thing You want me to get through my thick head?
i simply ask that You show it to me, make me aware so that...well, as i pray, i realize every reason i can offer for 'why' i want to know is selfish. break my heart and my will and make me wholly Yours. teach me in Your good timing and within Your perfect will.
(show me what it means to be truly)
sincerely & humbly, i pray. amen.

what now?

Lord, what are You teaching me now?

what is the thing You want me to get through my thick head?

i simply ask that You show it to me, make me aware so that...well, as i pray, i realize every reason i can offer

back to it

i've had a bit of "vacation" this week--that is, i've not been as diligent at some important issues as i should have been. time off is good; don't get me wrong on that. but, its time to snap back to it and get back into good habits and discipline.
please don't judge me too harshly, for i didn't fall into those habits. but, i'm ready to get back to the life that God blesses. and these things are the things i've been blogging about: reading, health, family time.

God above, keep my resolve true and sure. let me only do that which praises you in word, action and attitude. i am Yours and want to be appropriately bound to You in every nuance of my existence.

rerun

re-read august 16, 2007.
it sums up everthing i want to say today. again.

a balance of realization (or a realization of balance)

as sure as Jesus is returning, i know that most people don't realize how bad they actually feel. if "this" is normal, they'll label it as "fine". this is their point of reference; this is their standard. this is where they look to establish a baseline of health for all future questions.
the problem is that for most, this is not the best it can be. this is not what God created our bodies to do and to register as "normal". we acknowledge, spiritually speaking, that God has a greater design in mind for us, that He has a greater plan for us. i'm just not convinced that many realize that includes our health.
let me establish a couple of things before i go any further. first, i'm not trying to promote any agenda of healthy living or any miracle cure for the blahs. i'm not pronouncing judgement on anyone. i'm just raising questions and a challenge. secondly, i know that all disease and ill-health are results of the Fall (reference Genesis). Since we are all sinful people, we can't know the full potential for health and optimal-body-experience for which we were created. we've fallen from reaching that standard on this side of heaven (perhaps the "new body" is not actually any spiritual form, but simply a sin-untainted body of the same make and model).
it's just that we're making it worse than necessary.
i'm typing this from a local spot: baked goods, coffee and free wi-fi. but, as i look at the clientel of morning commuters: i can see 9 people, of which i am one. 6 of them are overweight, half of those are obese (one of them is morbidly obese). the guy at the table next to me is on his 4th cup of coffee in about 30 minutes.
again let me say: i'm not here to judge. but, i'm curious if they've ever been taught a better way. do they know that there is better health available without a perscription? do they know that Jesus loves them the way they are, but doesn't want them to stay that way? do they realize that good choices are all it takes--well, maybe that's the issue: choice. sounds like (at very least parallels the concept of) sin.
well, back to me, for i am the only one for which i am responsible and accountable. this whole visualization of a better life is because i'm "a bit groggy this morning". i'm usually not a morning personality, but my body sings "early in the morning our song shall rise to Thee." but, not today.
last night i didn't sleep well. i went for a walk this morning in hopes of reviving (which is nearly always the case with a brisk morning walk)--not so much. i took a hotter-than-usual shower, thinking it would perk me up--not the case. i need coffee. no, i enjoy coffee. but, to need it implies addiction.
why is my sorry self dragging this morning?
well, i'm not in a mood to confess too much to you in this particular blog post. but, as i look back over the past few days of the weekend, and in fact, the entire last week, i see a clear path of poor choices. not the least of which include: lack of exercise, poor food selections, overactive food selection (aka over-eating), irregular sleep choices--you see my point.

Oh my Lord, Creator of this body, i have failed to care for this temple in the way that pleases You. please help me to get rid of this mindset that allows for excessive bad choices and stark good choices in the name of americanism. create in me a willingness to face food choices with positivity and the knowledge that You empower me to choose well. let me not give into temptation. i am Yours. all of me: spirit, mind, body and emotions. amen.

update

just wanted to pass along an update. i finished a book this weekend. sure, i started it more than 6 months ago, but in light of my previous post, i just wanted to let you know i'm taking myself seriously (but not too seriously).

update

just wanted to pass along an update. i finished a book this weekend. sure, i started it more than 6 months ago, but in light of my previous post, i just wanted to let you know i'm taking myself seriously (but not too seriously).

reading

i like to read, but i don't take time to do it. my to-do list of books is always growing and never shrinking--because i add to it without subtracting from it. so, i wonder what strategy i need to adopt in order to check them off. i wonder what will motivate me. i know that i typically can't put a book down once i start it, but its the starting that isn't happening.
suggestions or ideas?
well, as with all good things, i guess i'll have to take the first step. i'll set a goal and i'll go for it, for to try and fail is better than to never have tried at all.

200

i'm so excited! today marks my 200th blog entry.
it's such a huge accomplishment to have the stick-with-it-ness to reach 200. i feel like a sitcom that reaches this status (that's almost 8 seasons--which is longer than i've blogged). but, when you make it past all the hype about the amazing, spectacular, collosal 200th episode, you might be disappointed. it just can't live up to the publicity.
so, i'll keep it simple. no hype, no fanfare, no expectations. for my 200th entry, i'll just say: i wonder what other things might be accomplished in my life if i invested in them instead of blogging?

greatness

great accomplishment deserves great reward.
great freedom requires great responsibility and has great consequence.
great people are merely those motivated to prioritize and pursue.

life never goes as planned

i've always known that i was different. i have unique interests, unique ideas, unique inspirations. i'm an original (just like everyone else). shows like 'the wonder years' always resounded with me because i suppose on the outside i look normal; on the inside, i know i'm different.
so, the thought has come to me this morning that in yet another facet of my life, i am different. the guy who didn't get married until he was 26 and didn't have kids until he was 32--it's his baby girl that is graduating from high school tomorrow. how did i end up with a 19-year old high school senior? it's a long story (that i'm always happy to share).
but, because of the originality of my storyline, i'm wondering what i'm supposed to be feeling and what to make of the things i am feeling.

• she was never my baby, but i can't remember life before her
• i didn't really watch her grow up, but i've seen her change before my eyes
• i didn't teach her to ride a bike, but i've done my part to give her roots & wings
• i'm not her dad, but she's definately my kid

i'm pleased and proud (those, i think, are normal). i'm nervous that she's ready to fly solo (also normal). i'm not ready to let go (normal); i'm not ready to admit that she's ready (normal). i think i did my best and i think it wasn't good enough.

it's a graduation for me as well, a rite of passage from "daily hand-holder" to "i'm always here when you need me." May God bless us both in His future for us.

i'm sometimes overwhelmed by things that i know a little bit about. follow my logic...
if i understand a little bit about something, i can see the quality or lack of quality in various parts of that whole. in an attempt to have better insight into a subject, i begin to explore. it's the exploration that overwhelms me. there are so many variables (which despite the popular philosophy of "endless possibilities", i know, mathematically, are limited) that my mind boggles to try and account for it all.
then, i feel like a failure for i know i should be able to understand it.
perhaps you've felt the same thing (i'm counting on it in order to make a point). so, let me re-tell my story from above, paraphrasing along the way.
when i understand a little bit about the bible, i can see the basic truths: God created everything, Jesus died for me, etc. some various parts of the whole impact instantly and others seem irrelevant or pointless. so, in an attempt to have better insight into the book as a whole, i begin to explore. the the exploration that overwhelms me. there are so many books and people and sins and do's and don'ts, etc. i know the book only has so many pages, but my mind boggles to try and account for a limitless God within a limited book--and that leads to more overwhelming due to pondering of divine mysteries: revelation, infinitism, omniscience. then, i feel like a failure for i know i should be able to understand it. (and then my feeling of failure conflicts me for i know that i have been redeemed.)
take heart. you are not alone, nor isolated in your feelings. God hears your frustration and He will enlighten you--only as much as you need or can handle in the moment. then, from that moment, He leads us to the next.
so, allow yourself to be overwhelmed by the Word of God. to know it is to be overwhelmed by it. take it in stride. take small bites, chew well and enjoy the feast for it does, truly, feed the soul.

Divine Author, we ask for Your insight today. help us to read with understanding and to understand for the purpose of sharing insight with fellow readers.

a prayer for mothers

Prayer for mothers
We pray for women, who through an abortive procedure, have forfeited their role as mother. Administer grace and teach them Your forgiveness.
We pray for birth mothers. Lord, fill the void in their hearts and let them never question the love they have for the children they bore.
We pray for xxpectant mothers – those who have not yet had a baby placed in their arms. Keep them healthy & well; calm their fears.
We pray for new mothers. Father, help them tap into the God-given instincts of motherhood; help them find the rest they need.
We pray for mothers of young children. Keep their energy high and give them a potter’s skill to mold their children into vessels to be used by God.
We pray for empty nesters and ask You to help them explore the boundaries of this newest phase of motherhood. Keep her children near her heart, if not near her arms.
We pray for all who mourn the death of their mother. Console them, comfort them; bring them beautiful memories of this woman in their lives.
Amen.

· Though not everyone is a mother, everyone has a mother. They are important to recognize them because they are necessary.
· Proverbs 31 packages marriage and motherhood together. But, we acknowledge that not all wives are mothers—some by their own choice and others by God’s choice. But to those whom God has called to motherhood, we exhort you to reach for the standard presented in Proverbs 31.
· Likewise, we acknowledge that not all mothers are wives. Some women face the great task of parenting alone—for whatever choices or reasons, we see your strength in single-parent roles and exhort you to reach for the standard presented in Proverbs 31.
· We acknowledge that not all mothers have borne their own children. But from you we better understand the accepting nature of God’s loving adoption and exhort you also to reach for the standard presented in Proverbs 31.
· We acknowledge that not all mothers are good and loving. Some mothers are abusive, absent or selfish. It is difficult on Mother’s Day to honor those who have not been honorable. To you whose life is marked like this, we exhort you to reach for the standard presented in Proverbs 31.
o To you, women, we say, “break the cycle”. The pattern of Proverbs 31 will guide you to become a virtuous woman of God and do better than was done to you, whether as wife, mother or any other womanly calling God places on your life.
o To you, men, we say “build up your women”. Even as your mother, your spouse or your daughters, empower them to become a Proverbs 31 woman. The best thing you can do for your children is to invest in your wife.
· To everyone today, regardless of your relationship with your mother, be she living or deceased, present or distant, the good, the bad or the ugly: we must admit that we are who we are because of our mothers.
o Sometimes we are strong because of her constant love and care.
o Sometimes we are strong because we’ve had much to overcome
o Sometimes her example pointed us to God
o Sometimes her example left us no option but to turn to God
· So, on this day, we are pray for greater awareness of God’s ideal for mothers and we dignify those women that have done their very best, bringing us to our place in life.
· May God’s blessing be on you.

this was a facebook status of mine, but it is still so profound to me that i had to post it somewhere more permanent. maybe i'm just a sap, but God is speaking very powerfully to me through the love of my children right now.

if heaven is anything like a day with my boys, i'm going to really enjoy heaven.

Lord, You alone deserve the praise for the way that You've brought our family together. How infinite is Your love for us. How wide and high and deep and long is the love of Christ.

one week to live, week 3

http://www.lovedtolove.org/Content/streaming-sermons/Default.aspx

http://www.lovedtolove.org/Content/streaming-sermons/Default.aspx

one week to live #1

this is the video we created to go along with the sermon series. to hear the sermon portion: http://www.lovedtolove.org/content/streaming-sermons/Default.aspx

one week to live #1

blackness

while it is true that it is a great milestone that our nation has elected the first black president, i'd like to offer my two-cents on the matter. the truer measure of equality of race in america will be when we acknowledge the president is elected because of his platform and vision; someday there will be no questions if a man is voted for or against because of his skin-tone.

it's a new year and the dilema comes to mind: to blog or not to blog.
i'll blog about it when i find my answer (or maybe that'll be the not to blog portion).

it's a new year and the dilema comes to mind: to blog or not to blog.

i'll blog about it when i find my answer (or maybe that'll be the not to blog portion).