this resounded with my heart

There are 10 things every birthmother thinks about, wishes for, and hopes for when placing their child for adoption. If you are in an open adoption, you may have heard some already, if not, they are important to know. They are:

1. I did not place my child because she was “unwanted.” I wanted her so much that I continued a pregnancy filled with unanswered questions.
2. I chose adoption because I loved my child. This parental love allowed me to put his needs before my own when making my choice.
3. This choice affected more than just me. She has a Grandmother, a Grandfather, and Aunts and Uncles who love her as well, and she will be missed.
4. I wish for the day I can look into my child’s eyes and tell him I love him one more time.
5. I hope that you will teach my child about her beginnings – about where she was born and who I am.
6. I hope you will teach respect to my child by showing respect for me in your discussions.
7. I wish I could be there to answer my child’s questions about adoption, but I trust you to answer them truthfully as best you can.
8. I will never stop thinking about my child. She will always be a part of who I am.
9. I would never try to disrupt my child’s new family with you. I put too much emotion and suffering into making this choice to allow anything to disrupt it – including me.
10. In my eyes, you will always be my child’s Mom and Dad. And that thought brings me happiness.

i still can't...

...i still can't wrap my head around it.  how can something like this (that usually takes 9 months) come about in about 10 days?
...i still can't believe the way my wife and children (or me for that matter) can process through this all.
...i still can't understand how the God of the universe works things for our good, and yet when i see Him do it, i know it can only be Him.
...i still can't believe how much love it all requires
...i still can't (read yesterday's post) let it go!

wow, wow, wow...

let it go

i've heard that the popular song "let it go" from the movie "frozen" is the most covered song ever on youtube.  and i'd believe it.  i can't believe how many people have recorded a video of their rendition and posted it for all the world to see (and critique).  even my own wife & children will belt that one out when it comes on in the car...or, unfortunately...a restaurant!
lyrically, the song isn't, IMHO, the most God-honoring thing, though i don't think it's bad.
but today it strikes me as a concept i need to embrace:  letting it go.

• i have to let go of myself so that the Spirit can manifest in me
• i have to let go of my selfish desires for the sake of those around me
• i have to let go of my dreams in order to have them replaced with bigger and better God-sized dreams.
• i have to let go.  period.

last week i had to let go of something very precious to me.  and while it was something tangible and i let it go for something better (though significantly less tangible), it hurt.  a whole freakin' lot!  it was sort of like the nail in the coffin on a dream.  and that, not just any dream, but a deeply-burning-in-my-soul kind of dream.  it was more along the lines of one of those "when God closes a door, He opens a window", window-wide open dreams.  

i felt like my window got closed.  forever.  boarded up, bricked over and sealed with foam.

but yesterday revealed once again that God is faithful and He's in control.  my perspective now is that not so much that the window was closed as much as it was removed from that house and put into a new and better house to let in a better, fresher breeze and life and love and joy.

of course, i can't tell you all about it.  that's the glory and agony of blogging.

but for now, i am content to be reminded that when i let go, God takes the reins.  and oh, what a ride it'll be.

Lord, let me be faithful even in this time of uncertainty.  hope springs eternal!