one passage, two revelations

during my freshman orientation (august 1992), i felt, for the first time ever that i can recall, the Word of God speak directly to me.

being a PK (preacher's kid, not promise keeper), i had spent a lot of time hearing the Word of God preached, recited, quoted, presented, blah, blah, blah and etc. but, never did i listen. the difference between hearing and listening is a much-debated topic, but you know what i'm saying: my ears were working, but my heart and mind weren't.

let me give you a bit of back-story. when i was in high school, i had normal teenage problems: feeling boundaries, body image, place in this world (crap, now i have that song in my head), what i'll be when i grow up, etc. in retrospect, i didn't have it any worse than anyone else. but in the moment, yeah, it pretty much sucked to be me.

which of course leads to "acting out". for me, the temptation was shoplifting. i perceived that we were too poor to have cool things, so appropriated items that i wanted. i justified it by telling myself that these were things God wanted me to have: predominantly, christian music CDs. oh, the irony. eventually, it came to a screeching halt. i was busted.

so, back to our regularly scheduled past-tense life event: college orientation.

i can honestly say i have never shoplifted since then. (i still face the temptation occasionally.) but, i really stuggled with guilt about the whole ordeal (and the months of participation leading up to the crash). i was enrolled in a Bible college, which officially makes me a thief and a hypocrite because these people were serious about the whole God-thing and i was just playing along. i couldn't possibly ever be as holy as these folks (and i mean the students, let alone the faculty). paul changed all that for me.

"not that i have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but i press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. brothers, i do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. but one thing i do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (emphasis mine)

as much as i hate cliche's, i found truth in learning life is a journey, not a destination. in that moment, i was forever changed (which again, i realize is very cliche-ish, though absolutely true).

the second revelation of this passage just came to me yesterday.

my loyal readers (i think there are two, neither of which is even my own mother) may not realize that i am the most insecure musician that i know. but, apparently i'm a really good actor because i hide it so well. well, in order to understand my second revelation, i must again dive into the past. i hope you don't mind.

every music major at ccu (when i was a student, it was cbc), is required to do a junior recital. a simple 25-30 minute demonstration of skills in the performer's field: voice, piano, etc. being the cocky, hot-shot musician that i was, i took it on full force. i picked pieces that i felt were deceptively difficult (meaning, they sounded harder and flashier than they actually were). it actually was quite a nice program. but, i didn't have the goods to deliver.

i had the dexterity to play the pieces and i had the musicianship to emote through the pieces. i did not have the rehearsal skills, the endurance nor the stickwithit to accomplish the task. i failed miserably, even to the point that a memory block gripped me and i played 'heart & soul' in the middle of a mozart sonata. i eventually recaptured my place and finished the piece, but it was a horrible, traumatic experience. i vowed i would never do it again and nearly gave up music entirely. it's been nearly 15 years since i even attempted anything like it.

but, in the past few years i've felt a nagging to resume this type of playing. i play piano a LOT through work at the church and other various endeavors. but, i don't play this way. there is a surreal conflict between nagging and baggage--the two camps (i can't vs. i want to) were waging a war in me. and unfortunately, for those years, my choice was not to decide between them, which ulitmatley gave victory to the baggage.

"not that i have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but i press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. brothers, i do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. but one thing i do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (emphasis mine)

the same words speak differently to me. i've come to realize (thanks, rory noland) that the baggage was a lack of self-confidence. but, really it wasn't self-confidence, i was lacking God-confidence. this is the confidence in knowing that i was created for a purpose. i am gifted and talented (the verb, not the adjected) with skills to be used for that purpose. i am empassioned about accomplishing that purpose. i am a musician--that's what God created me to be.

to deny my calling is to:

• deny the Diety of Christ
• deny His power to work through me
• deny His power to bring healing from past hurt
• deny my very dna

when God calls, He also gifts; when gifts, He also expects the gift to be opened and used! so, out of the frying pan of self-doubt into the fire of humility, hard work and hope renewed.

so, this nagging in me is winning against the baggage now and in january 2010, i resumed taking piano lessons. i don't know where this will take me. the sky is the limit, though there are some benchmarks that have presented themselves as appropriate steps to take for recovery. these are the goals to be reached.

one such goal was the competition i entered yesterday. the final results were in my favor, though the bigger victory was in the confirmation that God called me to be a musician. and those He calls...well, you just read that part 2 paragraphs above...but, those He calls, He also confirms the calling through His comfort. i felt His comfort at a level never experienced before. soli Deo gloria--to God alone be the glory!

i am speechless in your presence today, Father Creator. gratitude, humility, strength and courage, hope--the list goes on and overwhelms me. You are faithful. You are holy. You are all that i need.